And because the universe balances out your greatest wins, it’s time to talk about Fantasy Suites. No time for a fun preamble about an ABC executive using dynamite to make more cenotes or Jesse Palmer writing by hand every Fantasy Suite date card. Let’s get into it.

What the fuck is going on with these men? I am extremely over this gaggle of sales executives and real-estate professionals deciding that they’re just not into the premise of the entire television program.

This is the “proposal” television show. If you want a low-stakes dating experience, might I suggest Are You the One? or FBoy Island or Love Island.

I know in terms of future Instagram sponsorships and Coachella hype houses that it’s the reality franchise to beat, but if you can’t even consider getting engaged, DON’T GO ON THE BACHELORETTE!!!

Rachel seems to have managed to get to the finish line with at least a few viable options, whereas everyone in Gabby’s stable is either freaking the fuck out or just not taking it seriously enough.

Johnny calls Gabby “the dopest girl I’ve ever hung with,” and I would throw myself into a volcano if my boyfriend ever called me that. That’s not how you talk about your future wife. The utter humiliation.

Rachel and Gabby sit down in Mexico to let us know that Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love thanks to the scenic vistas and the vibrant culture and nightlife. Can they have their money now? Then they catch up on how each of their relationships is going.

I want to see my gals sipping Champagne, talking about their boyfriends’ deep-seated traumas. Gabby thinks that each guy is ready to commit (except for Johnny), and Rachel is excited that every guy’s family loved her and welcomed her with open arms (except for Tino’s).